Unlike any webpage that talks about sociopaths, this blog post is nothing else but a unique reflection on dealing with them from an artistic framework. Not only because you have landed in the Politics of Drama, but also because dealing with sociopaths requires an impressive skillset that I have yet to master in real life. That's why is almost like an art: you can't have a one-blanket-fits-all approach to spot and avoid people with this behaviour, but you can surely feel when you are being, or about to be, someone else's toy.
From recent experiences, way more refined than in the past, I've worked out a way to stay free from sociopaths. Please do try this at home, at uni, or at work.
Ask yourself if they live in constant denial
They establish any kind of relationship by showing they’re anything but sociopaths. Everyone has a problem - except them. They make us think that they give it all, but in reality, they barely give a small portion of what they truly are and what they truly aim for. They fill the rest with diplomacy, unnecessary optimism, and people-pleasing commentary. They are surprisingly kind. They are problem-solvers. They are bloody good listeners. Everything is by itself a solution to them. Where have they been all this time! They are just what you need– and no, don’t dare to question it; don’t overthink it. Nothing is at all wrong with them. Nothing.
Are you sure you’re ok?
Is someone asking with sarcasm if you’re ok after you’ve gone on about something that triggered you? You might have just made a huge mistake– let’s not do it again. When they ask such a question, they already have learned the answer. Sociopaths will use your weakness as a gun to shoot back at you when you least expect it – and trust me when I tell you that they will not leave any evidence out or about. They will just wait however long they have to wait to uncover the sensitivity they saw in you. No one else other than you can see the murder that has just been committed.
How true is it that they do what they say they do?
For situations that imply long-haul relationships with sociopaths, they will provide you with a wide variety of snacks, as well as first-class entertainment. Best friends and close family fit this model. They are damn good at making noise, filling the silence as if silence is craving for words– even if we know those words dissolve up there, in the clouds. They will promise you anything that pleases your ears.
A night out? A weekend getaway? Dining in international cuisine? Or what about a simple coffee afternoon? Plans tailored to make you feel good about them - until you realise it’s the fuel they use to keep you very close to them. It’s easy to spot the pattern: they often have houses with plumbing issues, in the hope that you never notice the plumber needs to arrange a visit every time that your plans are meant to happen.
Lawmakers don’t win elections. Storytellers do.
For God’s sake, Jan, no one cares about the facts. In any environment that puts you into direct competition with sociopaths, two plus two can never equal Four if you’re not in the likes of the voters. That’s perhaps how you uncover the plans that sociopaths have for you since Day One of meeting you. Their charm, their charisma, and their intelligence come into play in a story where they are the solution to the problem that you represent. In fact, knowing how much two plus two is doesn’t make you a problem– it makes you their problem.
If you are good at something, you inherit the target of resented people. Like politicians, sociopaths find in story-telling the weapon to sell ideas about yourself that can persuade people in your closest circles to change their perception of you. What can go even worse is when you become the next one to be persuaded about an idea they’ve made up about you. It means they’ve reached the Everest of their own mountain, and your loved ones, with or without intention, helped them climb it.
Don’t try too hard to remember if there was ever someone who tried to manipulate they way you think of yourself. It is very simple how you can differentiate psychopaths from friends willing to give feedback on something you’ve done wrong or something you’ve said wrong: they let you know one way or another that you have done something wrong or that you have said something wrong. That’s it. Then they move on, with no expectation that you will change who you are.
Have you just opened your eyes?
If by now you are wary of anyone on your radar who shares similar behaviours, the next thing you should do for your own sake is not to open your eyes (not in front of them). It is hurtful when we learn that someone who seemed to be a close friend or a close family member we could trust has just been using us all this time. Deal with your emotions away from them.
Failure to do so will result in the next card of the game, their game, being thrown at you. It’s nothing but a scenario that suggests they are vulnerable, and you better not take distance from them. It gets complex up here as it’s unclear how far they can go with playing the victim role. It can vary from appealing to demographics to acting like Mary, the Mother of Jesus.
How do you dare to think that someone like Mary would have anything against you! They are surprisingly fast at turning the table against them, they are the victim and you, you are just a villain. Any doubts about how they will pass the blame on you? May I invite you to go through point 2 again.
Do not normalise what isn’t normal
I’ve written a whole article about toxic people - they are not toxic, even if it looks like they release a gas designed to kill the best of you. That is not toxic; that is violence manifested in so many different ways, and as such, you should stop it or speak to someone who can help you stop it. Similar to people with sociopathic behaviour, you can’t expect your resilience and good heart to keep up with them for too long if you are afraid of hurting them by walking away. At this stage, they have accomplished their objective - and the more you delay your departure, the more difficult it will be to see the marionette you’ve become.
Direct communication is believed to be the most sensible way to put an end to relationships with sociopaths. If yours is a master in rhetoric, like in point five, then be prepared and stay alert to the excuses they will use to justify their behaviour. If they insist on you being the problem, then silence is the most powerful way to stop it - they can’t fight silence, in fact, they hate it.
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